When You Koom to Lagos

Written by Suzan Abrams in the Nigerian

(Raucous voice). When you kom to Lagos, you leave your old man’s toes or old woman’s toes…whatever… in the house n you just coom here to Lagos, you wear your baby toes. Don’t ask so much, just do what I say n God will bless you. You will not bring shame to your name. Your enemy will not curse your mother n your father n you will not curse your father’s father a 1000 times over. Blessings from heaven will drop down on you like shiny water.
So listen I am speaking… you must take off your old shoes n fetch your baby toes. Then you can run about here n also run about there.  Who cares whare the hell you are running about. You can play on our land which is laughing n calling you, coom baby coom. The sky will make its colour  blue for you. The mud on the road will turn to gold only for you. You can pick up n enjoy. The sea will make a mirror for your face. How else to see the world with the eyes that we can see?
So remember…when you koom to Lagos, wear your baby heart n bring your baby toes n the thunder will not spit on you. I swear by my great-great-great grandfather’s grave five times over. How will you know when you kom to Lagos, that you have a blessing?
Look at your enemy’s feet.
Two big bandages on his swollen feet. You on the other hand, will have one mosquito bite on your small toe, aiyah, that’s all. One mosquito bite on your small toe is a very good thing to a bandage on your enemy’s balloon feet. Is it not? What is there to complain about? Serve her right n Praise the Lord! Hallelujah and Glory be to his High n Mighty Name!
For dinner tonight, I wish you roasted chicken n not taufu. I wish you a kitchen flowing over with toes…or nor, nor, I mean baby food. Enough! Enough! Don’t talk so much. My ears are going deaf, understand me or not? You think I was born yesterday? I only have baby toes, not even one baby ear!